★ By order of the Sheriff of rjisatool.org ★

Wanted

Dead or Alive

For the crime of being an absolute

Tool

The suspect, photographed head to toe in a basement: curly hair, a deep-V linen shirt, a shark-tooth necklace, drawstring shorts and slip-on shoes. Staring off into the distance like he's somewhere better.
Last seen in a basement. Deep V deployed. Considered smug.
  1. Count I Sick
  2. Count II Mogs for attention
  3. Count III Workplace violence
  4. Count IV Being an absolute tool

Threat level: TOOL

Alias
“The Tool” (a.k.a. L'Empatico, Il Serpente, Il Barone, La Scollatura)
Marks
Shark-tooth necklace, dangerously deep V
Footwear
Slip-ons. No laces, no remorse.
Habitat
Wherever there's an audience
Accessories
One (1) live python, worn as a scarf
Known associates
A python. Just the python.

Reward

$0.00

and your sanity back

Reward reduced as more was learned about the suspect.

Subject is sick. Known to mog for attention at every opportunity. Has committed workplace violence against productivity, morale, and common decency. Approach with extreme caution. This individual is a certified, grade-A, weapons-grade tool.

If seen, do not engage. Report immediately to rjisatool.org.

Case file TOOL-001 · Verdict tool · Sentence tool for life

Roll film

Scene I. One road. One saloon. One tool.

The Sheriff of rjisatool.org presents

A weathered town sign: Toolsville, pop. 1, and he's a tool.
Population: one. Everybody else moved.

The Good, the Bad & the Tool

One man. Four outfits. Zero self-awareness.

When a man in a deep V meets a man in a fur coat, they are the same man. And he is a tool.

Reel 3

Starring

Exhibit G: the suspect leaning against a white brick wall painted with black ink leaves, wearing a navy hoodie that says HERE FOR YOU in rainbow letters, hands in his pockets, giving the camera a look he has clearly practiced.

The Good

L'Empatico · “The Empath”

His hoodie says HERE FOR YOU. In rainbow. In capital letters. Witnesses report he was not, in fact, here for them. He was here for the angle.

  • Leans on walls like they owe him money.
  • Hands in pockets: the classic ‘not trying’ maneuver. He is trying.
  • The mural was there first. He is acting like he is the mural.
Exhibit B: the suspect in an attic bedroom wearing glasses, a tie-dye muscle tank and grey sweatpants, one hand on his hip, with a live yellow python draped around his neck like a scarf. A black bar covers the writing on his sweatpants.

The Bad

Il Serpente · “The Snake Charmer”

Glasses on. Tie-dye muscle tank. Hand on hip. A live python worn as a scarf. He knew exactly what he was doing.

  • Accomplice: one (1) python. Considered the brains of the operation.
  • The python appears calm. The python has been offered witness protection.
  • Insignia on trousers redacted to protect the innocent (the trousers).
Exhibit T: the suspect posing heroically under a park pavilion in a full-length black fur coat over a white peasant shirt, rust corduroy cargo pants and black Doc Martens, a silver-handled cane over his shoulder and a hoop earring, gazing into the middle distance.

The Tool

Il Barone · “The Baron of Corduroy”

Floor-length black fur coat. Peasant blouse. Rust corduroy cargos. Doc Martens. A silver-handled cane he does not medically require, hoisted over one shoulder like he's about to lead a parade nobody asked for. Dress code: Victorian vampire on a field trip.

  • The cane is decorative. The tool is structural.
  • Corduroy cargo pants: eight pockets, zero plans.
  • Doc Martens, laced to the top. The only thing here that's fully committed.
Exhibit D: the suspect in a deep-V linen shirt open to the sternum, a shark-tooth necklace resting in the gap and the drawstring tied in a bow, gazing past the camera like it owes him an apology.

& The Deep V

La Scollatura · “The Neckline”

Not in the title. Showed up anyway. Refused to leave.

  • Last seen in a basement. Deep V deployed. Considered smug.
  • A neckline so deep it has its own weather.
  • Drawstring tied in a bow, like he's a gift. Lab confirms: he is not a gift.

Reel 3 · Continued

The Lineup

Witness: identify the tool.

All four. It's all four.

Prints developed by the Sheriff's office. No witnesses were confused. All four were correct.

Reel 4 · The Evidence

Eyewitness Accounts

Statements collected by the Sheriff. Names withheld for the witnesses' protection. Most of the witnesses are objects.

Fig. 1 — Accessory escalation

Sheriff recommends intervention before the falcon.

Anonymous tip: “Honestly I think he's really nice??”

A cardboard stand-in of the suspect in a fur coat, wearing an obviously fake curled mustache, held upright by a cardboard support.

Notice

Appearance does not count as attendance.

Absent

High Noon

Twelve o'clock. One expected guest.

He sent a stand-in.

Still overdressed.

Reel 6 · Fine

Fine

(That's Italian for “The End.” He'd want you to know he knew that.)

Directed by
The Sheriff of rjisatool.org
Starring
RJ as The Tool
Also starring
RJ as The Good
RJ as The Bad
RJ as The Deep V
The Python
as Himself (Reluctantly)
The Hoodie
as Emotional Support (Non-binding)
The Fur Coat
as A Coat That Has Seen Things
The Cane
(uncredited, unnecessary)
The Deep V
as The Abyss
Shark-Tooth Necklace
Shark Not Consulted
Corduroy
Rust, Unfortunately
Rainbow Lettering
Overcommitted
Costume Design
RJ, Unsupervised
Wardrobe
Unknown. Possibly a raccoon.
Stunts
None. He leaned on a wall.
Mogging Coordinator
RJ
Stamp Department
You
Catering
The python ate before filming.
Score
Synthesized Whistling (We Could Not Afford Morricone)
Scenery & Props
Painted by robots. Every photo of RJ is real. We couldn't have made him up.
Location Scout
A Basement, An Attic, A Picnic Shelter, A Wall
Filmed entirely on location in
[REDACTED]
Best Boy
Not RJ

No pythons were harmed in the making of this website. Several outfits were.

Any resemblance to persons living or tool is entirely intentional.

RJ will return in For a Few Dollars More (of Your Sanity).

Sheriff's office · TOOL-001

Your case file

The original case photograph

The Sheriff has filed the evidence. Your signature is optional.

Kept on this device. No account, no report sent.

Reward $0.00 — and your sanity back

Dead or alive — reward: your sanity

Replay High Noon
Back to the poster to report a sighting

Post-credits scene

The python, in close-up, coiled around the suspect's collar, lit like a movie star.

Tool II: Snakes on a Neck

This time, it's cold-blooded.

Coming never. Rated S for Scarf.

Suspect photograph

Scroll to inspect. Deep V deployed. Considered smug.